Should We Stay Together? What Discernment Counselling Offers

Couples counselling assumes a shared goal: both people want the relationship to work and are prepared to do something about it.

A lot of couples aren't there. One partner is leaning out, sometimes for a long time, and the other is trying to hold on. Putting that pair into standard couples therapy tends to go badly — the leaning-out partner feels pressured into a process they haven't agreed to, and the leaning-in partner is left doing all the work while the outcome stays unclear.

Discernment work exists for exactly that situation.

A Different Goal

The aim is not to repair the relationship. The aim is to reach a decision both people can stand behind, with clarity rather than by exhaustion.

That's the important distinction. Many relationships end by attrition — nobody decides, things just deteriorate until someone leaves in a bad week. The decision gets made by circumstance, and both people carry the ambiguity for years afterwards.

Reaching a deliberate decision, in either direction, tends to produce a much better aftermath.

The Three Outcomes

There are only three, and they're named openly at the outset.

Stay as things are. Not usually anyone's preference, but it's on the table.

Commit to a defined period of couples work — typically six months — with separation off the table during it, and both partners genuinely engaged.

Move toward separation, deliberately and with as much care as possible, particularly where children are involved.

Naming all three from the start removes a lot of the pressure. Neither person is being steered.

What Sessions Look Like

Discernment work is structured differently from couples counselling. Sessions are usually short in number, and a good portion of the time is spent with each partner individually rather than together.

The leaning-out partner works on whether there's anything that would genuinely change their view, and on understanding their own part in how things got here. The leaning-in partner works on what they can actually control, on not pursuing in ways that push further away, and on preparing for either outcome.

Then both come back together to share what they've worked out.

Who It Suits

Couples where one person is unsure or has already partly decided. Couples where the same conversation has been going in circles for a year. Couples who've started couples therapy before and it stalled because the goals weren't shared.

It doesn't suit situations involving safety concerns, where individual support and a safety-focused approach come first.

I offer virtual counselling across British Columbia. Reach out to book a consultation.

If you or someone you know is experiencing violence in a relationship, VictimLink BC is available 24/7 at 1-800-563-0808.