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Relationship research has produced a striking finding: it's often possible to predict which couples will separate not by how much they argue, but by how they argue. Four patterns turn up repeatedly in relationships heading for breakdown. Each has a practical alternative. If you recognise several, it isn't a verdict — most couples I work with recognise at least two. Criticism The difference between a complaint and a criticism is the target. A complaint is about a behaviour. A

Couples counselling assumes a shared goal: both people want the relationship to work and are prepared to do something about it. A lot of couples aren't there. One partner is leaning out, sometimes for a long time, and the other is trying to hold on. Putting that pair into standard couples therapy tends to go badly — the leaning-out partner feels pressured into a process they haven't agreed to, and the leaning-in partner is left doing all the work while the outcome stays uncle